When Herscue met Jomphrey and Other Tales from an
Aspie Marriage
Introduction How
to Catch an Aspie: A Fishing Tale.
Ø Explores the possible ways one might end up
in a relationship with an Aspie, including my own experiences of how this
happened. It looks at various scenarios that may explain the attraction to an Asperger’s
partner. This chapter is framed within a fishing analogy, and attempts to set a
‘tongue in cheek’ tone.
Chapter 1 The
Glove that Fits: A Tale of Aspie
Courting.
Courting.
Ø Tells the tale of how my Asperger’s husband
and I began our romance. It details the early warning signs that something was
different about this charmingly odd (undiagnosed) man. Love prevailed as I was
high on adventure with the ‘upside’ of Asperger’s, and blind to all else.
Jomphrey: ATale of Baptism.
Ø Explains the origins of the names ‘Herscue
and Jomphrey’, while continuing to expose the ridiculous and quirky flavours my
husband brings to the relationship.
Chapter 3 An
Aspie Emerges: A Tale of Cracks.
Ø Details the more challenging side of Asperger’s
that emerged in the relationship once we began living together. Our limited
resources added to the difficulties as we tried to manage the havoc being
wreaked. As young newlyweds and still having no diagnosis to help our
understanding, we both struggled to deal with this new phase together.
Chapter 4 An
Aspie Diagnosis: A Tale of a Room
Elephant.
Elephant.
Ø Covers my eventual discovery that the man I
had married may have Asperger’s Syndrome. This is a tale about my emergence out
of denial into the tidal wave of grief, as I realised what I was facing. This
chapter also shares about Jomphrey’s own epiphany in finding a description that
explained his experience. This gave us a frame to look through to understand
ourselves and each other more deeply.
Chapter 5 The
Man Who Time Forgot: A Tale of
Aspie Navigation.
Aspie Navigation.
Ø Describes my struggles dealing with
Jomphrey’s relationship to time, and how this impacts on our lives. Stories
depict how we have survived his issue with time management, and my early
attempts to cure it. It finishes with my hypothesis of Jomphrey’s relationship
to time and how this differs from my model of time.
Chapter 6 Aspie
Organisation: A Tale of Filling
the Boxes.
the Boxes.
Ø Discusses the specific issues around
Jomphrey’s spatial organisation, and how this unfolds to create chaos and
fireworks in our house. This landscape is dotted with my failed attempts to
control the wake from this Aspie tornado. It ends by exploring how this
experience has forced each of us into compromise and created more balance within
ourselves as individuals and between us as a couple.
Chapter
7 Rituals and Routines: A Tale of
the
Compulsive, the Disturbing and the
Bizarre.
Compulsive, the Disturbing and the
Bizarre.
Ø Details Jomphrey’s routines and rituals
that litter our lives; the functional and dysfunctional. My theories around the
functions these routines serve are scattered throughout the chapter. The
quirkiest and most disturbing rituals are shared with good humour. The chapter
ends with my appreciation of the need for routine while wrestling to find a way
of living with the rigidity.
Chapter 8 Sensory
Integration: A Tale of Aspie
Calibration.
Calibration.
Ø Takes a look at Jomphrey’s unique sensory
profile and how this influences his behaviour. It attempts to explain the relevance
of sensory processing in understanding the world of Autism, and how this can
support both partners in the relationship. There are many funny examples of
Jomphrey’s sensory system in action, and my reflections in response.
Chapter 9 A
Touch of Tourette’s: A Tale of Aspie
Sound Seeking.
Sound Seeking.
Ø Explores Jomphrey’s love of sound making; a
part of his sensory seeking behaviour, which happens to be a special interest
too. This chapter highlights the many and creative ways a person with
Asperger’s will engage with to get their sensory needs met. It also describes
my response to these ongoing ‘special effects’ in our lives.
Chapter 10 A
Cast of Thousands: A Tale of Aspie
Identity Crisis.
Identity Crisis.
Ø Introduces Jomphrey’s gifts of
impersonation and characterisation, and how he uses these to respond to the
world, showering us with humour, diversity and uniqueness. This gift provides
him with an arena for sensory exploration while allowing him space to protect
his vulnerability.
Chapter 11 Tennis
for One: A Tale of Aspie
Communication.
Communication.
Ø Summarises my experiences communicating
with my Asperger’s husband. It offers my understanding of the communication
issues that plague relationships surrounding Autism ie: reciprocity, openness,
hyperfocus, listening skills, black white thinking, negotiating conversational
rules, eye contact, and blurting, to name a few. Examples of these in action
are provided. I share my struggles to engage with Jomphrey, and the feelings of
invisibility I have come to terms with. Authenticity has been the way forward
for both of us.
Chapter 12 Aspie
Expectations: A Tale of Walls
and Broken Pedestals.
and Broken Pedestals.
Ø Reflects on the underlying perfectionistic
streak in Jomphrey, and how this impacts on me and our relationship. This
chapter covers the fear and control issues that perfectionism keeps in check,
and the lengths an Aspie will go to maintain perfection and control. I share
the dance between our clashing needs around ‘perfection’ in our relationship
and how I have managed this.
Chapter 13 ‘In-to-me-you-see’:
A tale of Aspie
Bedtime Shenanigans.
Bedtime Shenanigans.
Ø Invites reflection on emotional intimacy in
an Asperger’s relationship and how the challenges with anxiety and trust
influence emotional connection. This chapter is about my need to let go of
preconceived ideas around intimacy, so I could discover the window of intimacy
Jomphrey was leaving open. In this unexpected space, we could create a bridge
of connection between us.
Chapter 14 The
Twitch: A Tale of Near Aspie
Murder.
Murder.
Ø Through a story about bed twitching, this
chapter investigates the deep well of frustration and anger that at times
overflows in the process of living with a partner with an ASD. It explores my
struggle for control of the ‘uncontrollable’, and the deep pain and grief at
the inability. The chapter finishes with my realisation of the need to look for
a different solution to the battle for ‘power’ in our relationship.
Chapter 15 Jomphrey
and Humphrey: Tales of an
Aspie Father.
Aspie Father.
Ø Tracks the role of Jomphrey as a father
through the pregnancy, the birth, and into today. It highlights the
similarities between our daughter (who has an ASD) and her father, and how this
connects them, delights them, and confronts them. Jomphrey’s unique way of
parenting offers deep empathy and understanding from living in this world with
an ASD. It is also coated with frustration as he tries to manage challenging
and overwhelming behaviour from another. This chapter is completed with my
experience of their intense and loving relationship.
Chapter 16 One
Foot In and One Foot Out: A Tale
of Aspie Hokey Pokey.
of Aspie Hokey Pokey.
Ø Highlights the polarising effects of living
with a partner with Asperger’s. Extreme up-down experiences can contribute to
ambivalent feelings as a partner, resulting in a state of ‘one foot in and one
out’. This chapter explores the many ways exhaustion infiltrates the
relationship, and the destabilising effects of this physically and emotionally.
It highlights the tightrope a partner negotiates while balancing a heavy load.
Chapter 17 Aspie
Transitions: Tales from a Tardis.
Ø Opens up the difficulty transitioning with
a family affected by ASD. It explores the anxiety that infuses a transition and
the contagiousness of this. This chapter reveals Jomphrey’s specific attempts
to manage a transition, from the initial preparation to leave, to the arrival
at the destination. It entails how he manages things that are out of his
control, and includes the secret habit that soothes him during the change.
Chapter 18 Four
Seasons in One Day: A Tale of
Aspie Feelings.
Aspie Feelings.
Ø Explores the terrain of emotional
regulation, with my observations of how Jomphrey processes and expresses
various emotions; happiness, sadness, fear and anger. It shares the challenges
I experience managing my own reactions to the intensity and changeability of
the expression. This chapter also touches on Jomphrey’s empathy with the
feelings of others, and shares my discovery of this vulnerability, how I see it
affecting Jomphrey and others, and how he compensates.
Chapter 19 There
she Blows: A Tale of Battening
down the Hatches.
down the Hatches.
Ø Takes the reader into the challenging realm
of Aspie Anger. It covers the many and varied triggers that stir the anger,
what an adult Aspie meltdown looks like in our house, and the fall out this has
in our relationship. This chapter describes my reaction to this intense
emotional expression and my attempts to come to terms with it.
Chapter 20 An
Asperger’s and Coke Please: A Tale
of Substance Use.
of Substance Use.
Ø Tells of how the use of substance provided
some relief from the unpleasant aspects of living with Asperger’s for both of
us during the initial stages of the relationship. The chapter also demonstrates
the zany behaviour that Jomphrey enjoys sharing with the world; once he has the
anxiety in check.
Chapter 21 Holding
back the Floodgates: A Tale
of Aspie Armour.
of Aspie Armour.
Ø Explores the ways in which Jomphrey has
both protected himself and taken care of himself in the world; a painful and
confusing place for him. His main strategies shared include ‘left of centre
behaviour’, exercise, meditation and music.
Chapter 22 My
Aspie Vulnerability: A Tale of a
Hole and a Plug.
Hole and a Plug.
Ø Looks at what makes me attractive to an
Aspie, and more importantly, what makes an Aspie attractive to me. This chapter
speaks of my search for the missing part of me that would finally enable me to
be more present to myself, and subsequently the Aspies in my life. It shares my
dance with surrender in order to move away from the toxic patterns that were
bringing me a slow death. The focus ends on my need to take responsibility for
my part in the dynamic I co-created. This process left me with a new way to be
in relationship to Asperger’s.
Chapter 23 Living
Beyond the Bell Curve: A Tale
of Mourning.
of Mourning.
Ø Touches on the losses, lying just beneath
the surface, that emerge upon choosing to live a life with a person with
Asperger’s. This grief sneaks up bearing a reminder of what I struggle to hold
on to in the face of Asperger’s; freedom to make choices, easy flow in my life,
a collaborative partnership. It reminds me of the edge I sit on, and the
powerlessness I can feel when negotiating Autism. Acknowledging these losses
has been critical for my healing and growth.
Chapter
24 Getting the Aspie off my Chest: A
Tale
of Head Banging and Patch-working.
of Head Banging and Patch-working.
Ø Speaks to the many tools, functional and
dysfunctional, that I have used to manage my grief and other feelings in
relation to Asperger’s. It reveals my path into learning more productive and
healthy ways to handle my feelings, and lists the various sources of support
along the way.
Chapter 25 Gifts
from an Aspie: A Tale of Silver
Linings.
Linings.
Ø Completes the
book by summarising the gifts of growth and healing that have come from living
with ASD. It explores how ASD has pulled me out of my own ‘normal’ delusions
into a reality that is deeper and so much more expansive. ASD has offered me a
way to experience greater wholeness, vast empathy, more acceptance, and more of
myself.
