Excerpt from
“When Herscue Met Jomphrey and Other Tales from an Aspie Marriage” by Herscue
Bergenstreiml.
Copyright ©
Herscue Bergenstreiml 2015
Introduction
How to Catch an Aspie: A Fishing Tale.
A very good question, and one I have asked myself regularly
over the years, is “How does one wind up married to an Aspie?”
Here are a couple of versions that may explain how an Aspie
could end up in your boat. You may relate to more than one. They all work for
me.
Scenario 1: A Tale of
Drama
You have had a challenging life yourself, and you have a
radar that hones in on then pulls to you a truckload of drama and crises. As
painful as it can be, somehow you are attracted to intensity, and it feels
familiar. You don’t get how or why, but you are like human flypaper. Stuff
comes to you and sticks. Next thing you have an Aspie sitting in your boat,
holding the end of your line, staring at you (blinking or not).
Scenario 2: A Tale of
Match-making and Optimism
You’re single at the moment (or not), and a friend of a
friend has this friend you may be interested in. They give you this delightful description
(minus the reality):
·
Hasn’t had many relationships (even though he is
nearly 30 or 40 – not a big deal now, but it was in the 80s). Reason given:
he’s a one woman kind of man. Reality: relationships are too scary and
confusing to be in.
·
Is shy or in your face (usually either extreme).
Reason given: he’s introverted or extroverted. Reality: he hasn’t worked out eye
contact or appropriate body space, or how to share the air.
·
Is a bit fussy or fastidious (likes things a
certain way – his way). Reason given: his mother was a bit anal, or he sees the
value of organisation. Reality: he can’t cope when he feels out of control.
·
Is really passionate (about trains or rocks, or
numbers). Reason given: He is an ardent and intense man. Reality: it is his
special interest and the passion stops here.
·
He may even have money. Reason given: because he
is a computer whiz. Reality: he is a computer whiz. Yes reason matches reality
here. Oh, and he spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer and this
is his main relationship. He’s looking for someone to cook and put the trash
out.
You may be desperate and open to anything, or maybe you
enjoy the challenge of pulling a tortoise from its shell. Maybe you like to flatter yourself that you
could be the one to land this unlandable fish. It could be flattering not to be
rejected by Mr Fussy.
Your friend adds that this character is interesting, and
very intelligent. Before you know it, you have tossed the fishing line aside
and dived in the water. You are not missing out on this one. You will hand
catch this Aspie no matter how fast he swims in the other direction. He will be
tied up in your boat before you know it.
Scenario 3: A tale of
Family-arity
You are really attracted to this person and you are not sure
why. Your friends keep saying that they are a bit odd. You can’t see it. You
just click with them. It feels like you have known them your whole life. You
have. You are dating your father (or mother). Who happens to be an undiagnosed
Aspie. Your new date embodies your entire male/female experience. The Aspie
crept in the boat years ago, and has been shaping your view. You can’t see past
them. You have an Aspie template.
Scenario 4: A Tale of
Hypnosis.
You meet this really interesting person. I mean really interesting. They don’t do
things the way others do. They move differently and speak differently. The
topics of conversation both delight and horrify at the same time. You are not fishing, you have been fished.
The curiosity and intrigue has left your mouth wide open. An Aspie has slipped
a hook in and you haven’t even noticed. You have stepped into the Aspie lair;
fallen under the Aspie Spell. Hypnotised by how bizarre, how refreshingly
abnormal this person is. Like Gretel, you can’t help picking off the sweets
decorating this Gingerbread house. It can take years for this spell to break,
to awake and find the sweets gone, an extra 30 kg on your side and an Aspie
sitting in your boat.
Scenario 5: A Tale of
Rescue.
You have a deep understanding and fascination with pain and
an equally deep-seated need to rescue people out of it and dip your own toes in
it. You are attracted to the vulnerable, the outcast. You befriend the
unbefriendable. You may identify with existential and humanistic philosophies.
You may have even been called an ‘emo’ once. It is possible you have deep
wounds yourself. You may be vegetarian and enjoy religion in any of its forms.
You may feel your purpose on Earth is to serve or save. Catching an Aspie is
your conscious (or unconscious) mission.
Scenario 6: A Tale of
Control
Fishing is not really your gig, because it highlights the
randomness of life (a complete trigger for you). Why try and make a fish get on
your line when you can buy one at the shop? One that meets the criteria and is
exactly to your liking. You really like things your way, and you are
particularly skilled in getting things to go there. Quietly, nicely, loudly,
forcefully; whatever works. You enjoy order and predictability, and are
disturbed by chaos, mess, and the unpredictable (which is basically life, even
though you don’t want to admit it). You strive for perfection and always do
your best. You have high expectations of yourself, the world and others. Deep
down you are very afraid of losing control. You have spent so much energy
hanging on to the sides of the ‘life’ boat that you haven’t noticed the Aspie
who is sitting in front of you hanging on for dear life too. The universe
plopped one in your boat in a disturbing (yet ingenious) bid to bring you some
relief from your control induced angst (which comes after you finally let go).
Two control freaks in the boat about to wrestle for the oars to get to their
own safe shore.
Here is a wrap up of the possibilities for landing an Aspie.
You are attracted to Drama and crises (Scenario 1) because you grew up with a
father who probably had Asperger’s. You could do Asperger’s standing on your
head. Secondly, you get fixed up with someone next time you are single, who
appears to be a real catch. You have extreme optimism and a good dose of Aspie
–blindness (Scenario 2). Next, because of the Aspie template you carry, you are
attracted to this stranger’s way of being (Scenario 3). You fall under his
spell of quirkiness, because you appreciate the weird and wonderful (and you’re
used to extreme behaviour) (Scenario 4). When you begin to wake up as things
are going pear shaped, you begin to sense his deep vulnerability and need, and
his attachment to you, underneath the aloof quirkiness. At this point, the
rescuing begins. After all, you have spent a life time fixing others’ feelings
(Scenario 5). Because of your perfectionist controlling nature (thanks to
genetics and experience), you need to set things straight and sort out your
life and theirs too (Scenario 6). You can’t rest because it’s not perfect yet,
and hell will freeze over before you give up on something. It’s not your style!
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