How to Catch an Aspie: A Fishing Tale


Excerpt from “When Herscue Met Jomphrey and Other Tales from an Aspie Marriage” by Herscue Bergenstreiml.

Copyright © Herscue Bergenstreiml 2015

Introduction

How to Catch an Aspie: A Fishing Tale.


A very good question, and one I have asked myself regularly over the years, is “How does one wind up married to an Aspie?”
Here are a couple of versions that may explain how an Aspie could end up in your boat. You may relate to more than one. They all work for me.

Scenario 1: A Tale of Drama
You have had a challenging life yourself, and you have a radar that hones in on then pulls to you a truckload of drama and crises. As painful as it can be, somehow you are attracted to intensity, and it feels familiar. You don’t get how or why, but you are like human flypaper. Stuff comes to you and sticks. Next thing you have an Aspie sitting in your boat, holding the end of your line, staring at you (blinking or not).

Scenario 2: A Tale of Match-making and Optimism
You’re single at the moment (or not), and a friend of a friend has this friend you may be interested in.  They give you this delightful description (minus the reality):

·         Hasn’t had many relationships (even though he is nearly 30 or 40 – not a big deal now, but it was in the 80s). Reason given: he’s a one woman kind of man. Reality: relationships are too scary and confusing to be in.

·         Is shy or in your face (usually either extreme). Reason given: he’s introverted or extroverted. Reality: he hasn’t worked out eye contact or appropriate body space, or how to share the air.

·         Is a bit fussy or fastidious (likes things a certain way – his way). Reason given: his mother was a bit anal, or he sees the value of organisation. Reality: he can’t cope when he feels out of control.

·         Is really passionate (about trains or rocks, or numbers). Reason given: He is an ardent and intense man. Reality: it is his special interest and the passion stops here.

·         He may even have money. Reason given: because he is a computer whiz. Reality: he is a computer whiz. Yes reason matches reality here. Oh, and he spends an inordinate amount of time on the computer and this is his main relationship. He’s looking for someone to cook and put the trash out.

You may be desperate and open to anything, or maybe you enjoy the challenge of pulling a tortoise from its shell.  Maybe you like to flatter yourself that you could be the one to land this unlandable fish. It could be flattering not to be rejected by Mr Fussy.

Your friend adds that this character is interesting, and very intelligent. Before you know it, you have tossed the fishing line aside and dived in the water. You are not missing out on this one. You will hand catch this Aspie no matter how fast he swims in the other direction. He will be tied up in your boat before you know it.

Scenario 3: A tale of Family-arity
You are really attracted to this person and you are not sure why. Your friends keep saying that they are a bit odd. You can’t see it. You just click with them. It feels like you have known them your whole life. You have. You are dating your father (or mother). Who happens to be an undiagnosed Aspie. Your new date embodies your entire male/female experience. The Aspie crept in the boat years ago, and has been shaping your view. You can’t see past them. You have an Aspie template.

Scenario 4: A Tale of Hypnosis.
You meet this really interesting person. I mean really interesting. They don’t do things the way others do. They move differently and speak differently. The topics of conversation both delight and horrify at the same time.  You are not fishing, you have been fished. The curiosity and intrigue has left your mouth wide open. An Aspie has slipped a hook in and you haven’t even noticed. You have stepped into the Aspie lair; fallen under the Aspie Spell. Hypnotised by how bizarre, how refreshingly abnormal this person is. Like Gretel, you can’t help picking off the sweets decorating this Gingerbread house. It can take years for this spell to break, to awake and find the sweets gone, an extra 30 kg on your side and an Aspie sitting in your boat.

Scenario 5: A Tale of Rescue.
You have a deep understanding and fascination with pain and an equally deep-seated need to rescue people out of it and dip your own toes in it. You are attracted to the vulnerable, the outcast. You befriend the unbefriendable. You may identify with existential and humanistic philosophies. You may have even been called an ‘emo’ once. It is possible you have deep wounds yourself. You may be vegetarian and enjoy religion in any of its forms. You may feel your purpose on Earth is to serve or save. Catching an Aspie is your conscious (or unconscious) mission.

Scenario 6: A Tale of Control
Fishing is not really your gig, because it highlights the randomness of life (a complete trigger for you). Why try and make a fish get on your line when you can buy one at the shop? One that meets the criteria and is exactly to your liking. You really like things your way, and you are particularly skilled in getting things to go there. Quietly, nicely, loudly, forcefully; whatever works. You enjoy order and predictability, and are disturbed by chaos, mess, and the unpredictable (which is basically life, even though you don’t want to admit it). You strive for perfection and always do your best. You have high expectations of yourself, the world and others. Deep down you are very afraid of losing control. You have spent so much energy hanging on to the sides of the ‘life’ boat that you haven’t noticed the Aspie who is sitting in front of you hanging on for dear life too. The universe plopped one in your boat in a disturbing (yet ingenious) bid to bring you some relief from your control induced angst (which comes after you finally let go). Two control freaks in the boat about to wrestle for the oars to get to their own safe shore.

Here is a wrap up of the possibilities for landing an Aspie. You are attracted to Drama and crises (Scenario 1) because you grew up with a father who probably had Asperger’s. You could do Asperger’s standing on your head. Secondly, you get fixed up with someone next time you are single, who appears to be a real catch. You have extreme optimism and a good dose of Aspie –blindness (Scenario 2). Next, because of the Aspie template you carry, you are attracted to this stranger’s way of being (Scenario 3). You fall under his spell of quirkiness, because you appreciate the weird and wonderful (and you’re used to extreme behaviour) (Scenario 4). When you begin to wake up as things are going pear shaped, you begin to sense his deep vulnerability and need, and his attachment to you, underneath the aloof quirkiness. At this point, the rescuing begins. After all, you have spent a life time fixing others’ feelings (Scenario 5). Because of your perfectionist controlling nature (thanks to genetics and experience), you need to set things straight and sort out your life and theirs too (Scenario 6). You can’t rest because it’s not perfect yet, and hell will freeze over before you give up on something. It’s not your style!

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